Stupid Foreign Devils!

Saw this on a Chinese forum and translated it. Hilarious (at least in my opinion):
“Foreign Devils Are All So Stupid!�
A Communist Bandit Cadre’s Report Upon Returning From An Educational Journey Overseas

Comrades:　
I have some great findings from my latest educational journey overseas. My findings will be particularly valuable for working towards our goal of thoroughly smashing rightists’ worship of all things foreign. In fact, the one thing that left the deepest impression on me from my journeys is that: foreign devils are all so stupid! Not a single one of them is as smart as we Chinese. This proves again that we Chinese are the greatest nationality on this earth! Everyone thinks highly of us Chinese all around the world. Allow me to provide a few examples.
First let me tell you just how stupid these foreign devils are. There was a massive forest fire while I was in Australia. It’s firefighters’ responsibility to put out a fire, right? Well, there were a bunch of people who asked for time off from work or who used their vacation time to travel long distances and help put out the fire. What were they trying to get out of this, I wondered. It turned out that they didn’t ask for anything for their help! Just look at how dumb they are! Even if they don’t want a reward or some kind of payment, at least they should get a warm meal out of it! But those people helping to fight the fire paid for their dinner out of their own pockets. Could they make their stupidity any more blatant?
Once, when we traveled out to the Alps, I saw a lot of people carrying little bags with them. I guessed that maybe they were collecting some nifty plants from the mountains, so I took a peek: I found out that all that was inside their bags was garbage! My goodness! If you’ve got garbage, just toss it on the ground! They’ll hire someone to come and pick it up! What’s more, I didn’t see anyone wandering around with red armbands to issue a fine, so what are they afraid of? You’ve caught the “dumb bug� if you’re holding on to your garbage and dragging it hundreds or even thousands of miles back to your home!
These foreign devils also demonstrated their stupidity through their rigidity and inflexibility. At red lights, even when there were no policemen or any other cars, drivers would still just sit there waiting like idiots; sometimes the car in front of us would be driving so slow, and we had plenty of space to pass them on the side of the road, but our driver just wouldn’t pass. He wouldn’t even beep his horn! He’d just stay behind the other car as if he was in no hurry at all. Grab any old Chinese driver off the street and they’re sure to beat any of those stupid foreign drivers!
One other time, our car suddenly stopped in the middle of a journey. When I looked out the window, I saw a line of sedans parked in front of us. I thought there must have been an accident, so I ran up to take a look: then I saw that the root of all this was just a pig strutting its way across the road! Those foreign devil drivers were so stupid that they were just waiting for this pig to cross the street! It was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen! I suddenly had a great idea, and thought to myself: “you stupid foreigners, just watch how we Chinese use our quick wits and agility to solve this problem!� I charged forward and gave that pig a couple of good kicks! That little pig began started grunting and crying, and moved over to the side of the road like a good piggy!
Once, to demonstrate the utter inflexibility of these foreign devils, as well as to have a laugh at their expense and seek revenge for all of our compatriots who have been wronged by foreign devils over the past century, I stuck a “Men’s� and “Ladies’� sign on two adjacent phone booths in Berlin. The results were just as I expected: those male devils would line up in a long line without even considering going into the empty “Ladies’� phone booth!　
Because these foreign devils are so stupid, we smart Chinese will always have an edge over them. For example, foreigners love to line up all the time, but we don’t like to stand in line. Let me tell you, just lie to those stupid foreign devils and tell them that you are in a hurry because you have something to do. They’ll fall for it, and will even give you a big smile as they let you in front of them.
Now you can really take advantage of the train system in Europe! They usually don’t check tickets on the train, and don’t check it when you get off either. So you know what? You can buy a cheap little 10 Euro ticket and swagger your way through a discounted journey that would cost you hundreds!
And in some cities in Europe, the local government puts some bikes out on the streets for tourists to ride for free and enjoy the city. Now is this stupid or what? I can totally go and switch the crappy old tires on my old bike for new ones, and no one would even notice!　
One other thing that I noticed while abroad is that we could drive for hundreds of kilometers without seeing even a single toll booth! All that I can say is that government officials over there are beyond worthless, ignoring such a large source of potential income.
Also, don’t believe the hype that all of these foreign devils’ things are so great. I would even say that some things are designed idiotically. One such design caused me some serious grief. We were in a park in Canada, and I had to piss so badly! I found a pay toilet that said I needed to insert one dollar. Well, the door was open, so I didn’t think twice about it and just walked in to take a piss. Well, once I was finished, I discovered that the door wouldn’t open! I felt around and didn’t have any change any on me, so there was no way to get out! I started kicking and cursing in that port-a-potty, but no one paid me the slightest mind! Comrades! I was in the potty for five hours until someone finally came and rescued me! Those foreign devils never stop talking about “human rights,� but I sure didn’t find any “human rights� in that damn toilet! Motherfucker!　
People are always saying that foreigners are “liberated,� but it’s not true at all! When we were traveling around, no matter how large of a crowd those foreign devils formed, they always remained so quiet. They didn’t dare speak too loud for even a second. How oppressed they must feel! This is what they call freedom? We Chinese don’t care: if we wanna say something, we say it; and if we wanna yell something, we yell it! This is already a common bond that holds all of us Chinese together. There was one time that I got separated from our group on a trip. I was getting worried that I would never find them again when I suddenly heard a clamor off in the distance. I ran over and I was right: there were my fellow Chinese!
It was only after I went abroad that I realized that we Chinese are quite prominent all around the world, and enjoy an elevated status. I’ve heard that in the past it was hard to find places abroad that used Chinese, but that’s certainly changed nowadays! If you take a look, even the hookers in the red light districts speak Chinese. When we went, a lot of hookers greeted us with perfectly fluent Chinese! And one of them even yelled “we can give you receipts to charge it to your work unit!� It’s great to see them have such a thorough understanding of our national conditions!
What’s even more surprising is that there are a lot of signs abroad written in Chinese, like “No Spitting,� “No Littering,� “Please Keep Your Voices Down,� etc. Upon close inspection, I realized that most of these signs were printed only in Chinese. Comrades, when I saw these signs in our mother tongue, I really felt such pride at being Chinese!
Thank you all. (Applause!!!)

中共匪幹到國外考察後的報告：洋鬼�都很傻

�志們：　
我這次到國外考察，是有很大收穫的。特別是�于我們徹底粉碎�派“崇洋媚外�的�想是大有�義的�在這方�我最有深刻體會的是：洋鬼�都很傻，都沒有我們中國人�明，實�證明我們中國人是世界上最優秀的�中國人在國外是很��視的�下�我就舉幾個這方�的例�。　
å…ˆ 說洋鬼å­?çš„å‚»å?§ï¼Œæˆ‘到澳大利亞考察期間，正是他們國家發生森林ç?«ç?¾æœŸé–“。救ç?«é€™æœ¬ä¾†æ˜¯æ¶ˆé˜²éšŠå“¡çš„事å?§ï¼Œå?¯å??å??有許多人專門請å?‡æˆ–是利用休å?‡å¾žè€?é? è¶•ä¾†æ•‘ ç?«ï¼?這些人圖個啥呢？我å•?了一下，什麽都ä¸?圖ï¼?你看這些人多傻呀ï¼?就說ä¸?è¦?ç?Žé‡‘ã€?工資å?§ï¼Œç¸½è©²è¹­é “飯å?ƒå?§ï¼?å?¯é‚£äº›äººæ•‘完了ç?«é‚„自己上é¤?館，這ä¸?是倒貼錢 嗎？洋鬼å­?傻，那是有目共ç?¹çš„ï¼?　
有一次，我們到阿爾�斯山去玩，看見很多人都拎著一個塑料袋往自己的�車��。我以爲他們是撿的什麽好山貨，仔細一瞅，都是垃圾�嗨�是垃圾就丟在地上唄�自有環衛工人來掃唄��說�沒戴紅袖章罰款的，怕個啥呀�把垃圾拎幾百里甚至上��帶回家，�是太傻冒了唄�　
洋 鬼�傻還表�在����活。有的時候�邊�到紅燈，�沒警察�沒別的車，��機就是傻傻地在那�等；有的時候我們�邊的車速度很慢，�邊的�好寬，�他就 是�超車，連個喇�也�按一下，就是�急�忙地在後邊跟著。我們的�機，隨便�出一個來都比他强啊�還有一次，我們到一個旅游點去玩，車行在�路上時，� 然��了。我往窗外一看，���了一排�轎車。我以爲是出了車�，跑到��一看，原來是一頭猪正在路當中大�大擺地晃蕩著哩�那些開車的洋鬼�居然還傻乎 乎地等著猪自覺地讓路，這�是見鬼嗎？我�機一動，在心�說：“傻洋人們，看我們中國人是怎麽機智�活果斷地處�這事���我沖上��三脚兩脚，就把那頭 猪蹬得嗷嗷直�，乖乖地讓到路邊去了�　
有一次，我爲了證明他們的呆�，也爲了�弄他們一下，爲上百年來��洋鬼�欺負的�胞出�氣，特地在�林街頭兩個相挨的電話亭上一個貼上男字，一個貼上女字。�果，正如我�料的那樣，那些男洋鬼�寧�排著長隊，也�到貼著“女�字空著的電話亭上去打。　
因爲洋鬼�傻，我們這些�明的中國人去了總�以�很多便宜，比如外國人什麽都愛排隊，我們�想排隊，���洋鬼�撒個謊，說有點急事，他們就被哄�了，還�笑臉相迎地請我們到��去。　
在æ­?洲乘ç?«è»Šï¼Œé‚£å°±æ›´å?¯ä»¥å? ä¾¿å®œäº†ã€‚æ­?洲的ç?«è»Šä¸Šä¸€èˆ¬éƒ½ä¸?查票，下車出站也ä¸?查票。我買一張å??元的短途完全å?¯ä»¥å¤§æ?–大擺地乘上幾百元的車。　
還有�洲的一些城市，市政當局在街頭放了一批自行車讓游人自己騎著玩，你說這傻�傻，我完全�以把自己家自行車的破內胎�它個好外胎，還�會被人知�嘛�　
在國外，我還發�一個�象，就是我們的車跑了幾百公里竟然沒�到一個收費站�這些國家的政府官員簡直是�乾飯的，這麽一大筆收入，竟然白白浪費了。　
é‚„ 有，ä¸?è¦?迷信洋鬼å­?çš„æ?±è¥¿éƒ½å¥½ï¼Œæœ‰äº›æ?±è¥¿è¨­è¨ˆå¾—å?¯ä»¥èªªæ˜¯è ¢ï¼Œæˆ‘å°±å?ƒé?Žè™§ã€‚那回，在加拿大，我在一個公園玩時，尿憋了，正好看見一個收費厠所，上é?¢é›–標著需 投幣一塊，å?¯é–€å?´æ˜¯é–‹çš„，我ä¸?管三七二å??一，先進去方便了å†?說。å?¯ç­‰æ–¹ä¾¿å®Œäº†ï¼Œé‚£é–€å°±æ‰“ä¸?開了ï¼?我一摸身上，沒一塊硬幣，出ä¸?去了ï¼?我急得在è£?é?¢äº‚踢亂 駡，å?¯æ²’人ç?†ï¼?å?Œå¿—們呀ï¼?我足足在è£?é?¢é—œäº†äº”個å°?時æ‰?有人來解救呀ï¼?洋鬼å­?å?£å?£è?²è?²è¬›â€œäººæ¬Šâ€?，你說這設計的厠所有人權å?¯è¬›å—Žï¼Ÿæˆ‘CAO它娘ï¼?　
� �們總說外國人比較自由，根本就�是那麽回事�我們�觀的時候，無論有多少人，他們總是�悄悄的，連個話都�敢大�說，活得多壓抑啊�這�自由？我們中國 人就�管那麽多，想說就說，想喊就喊。這已經�爲我們中國人�絡的�帶了。有一次�觀的時候我和大家走散了，正焦急的時候，忽然�到�處��嚷嚷，我急奔 �去，你猜�了，正是我們的人嘿�　
到了國外�深切地感到，中國人在世界上的影響力是很大的，地�是很高的。據說�去國外很少使用漢語， ��在�一樣�。你看�，就連紅燈�的*女都會幾�漢語，我們去的時候，好多*女用漢語很熟練地和我們打招呼，有一個還�我喊：“有發票��看看，他們� 我們的國情都是那麽瞭解啊。　
更令我驚è¨?的是，國外的有些旅游景點都用漢語寫æ??示牌，什麽“請勿隨地å??ç—°â€?ã€?“請勿隨地扔垃圾â€?ã€?“請勿 大è?²å–§å˜©â€?等等。我仔細觀察了，除了漢語幾乎沒用任何別的語言，而且在å?ƒè§€è‘—å??的巴黎è?–æ¯?自院的時候，我竟然也看到了這樣的漢語æ??示ï¼?å?Œå¿—們那，這個時 候，我真爲我是一個中國人感到豪和驕傲啊ï¼?　
��大家。(鼓掌���)